I've actually been doing okay, these last months, and now.. now, I don't know. It hit me like a brick wall, I was okay, and now, I'm not. Maybe it is just little bits and pieces of things here and there, but now, now I feel like my world is ending. I know it isn't. There's so many things that are going so well, which doesn't explain why I feel like this all of a sudden. There's just an ache, one that wells up from inside of me and wants to spill out, wants to spill over and ruin everything. I need my few friends so desperately, but there's something that makes me want to push them away, something that makes me feel as if I don't deserve these wonderful people. Maybe I'm not as wonderful as I sometimes think I am. No, I take that back. I'm not as wonderful as I pretend to be. I don't want to hurt anyone. I can't help but feel that if I don't push someone away, I'll be cruel and evil to them. I don't want that anymore. I want to keep my precious few friends.
I don't know what to do anymore. And tonight, at work, all Oscar could do was tear me down. A bit of sarcasm here, a bit of sarcasm there. I was okay, but thinking back on it, he was really hurtful. A snarkily said, "I thought you were bringing things out!" while I was making mocha, and then the sarcasm of, "Thanks for getting tea on my shoes" while I was finishing up the dishes I thought he had finished. I can't work with him, because every time I do, I get attacked verbally. Paul was there, but he didn't hear what Oscar said to me. Alex was there Tuesday, and he didn't hear either. Oscar must be upset because I'm being developed to be a supervisor, while he has been there for 5 years and is still a barista. If I were in his shoes, I probably would have quit already. He got so anal about his shoes today, and he was wearing brand new, not entirely dresscode shoes. They had red on them. I understand he wants to wear his new shoes, but work is not the place to do so. Things spill. Yes, stuff does get on our shoes. That's why we aren't supposed to wear canvas shoes.
I hope Mikel isn't mad that the close wasn't wonderful. Oscar bitched and moaned the entire time. I hate working with him.
By the way, Kyle, your work pants make your butt look good. I forgot to tell you today.
Tell me how to feel: sad